I am sad.. I dont know how others can just love a person and yet not have a grave desire to meet etc. I just dont know how...
It's not like i havent tried. I try at times to just let things be.. you say you wanna be with friends. So i try to just allow... But deep within me.. its somethings hard. I cant explain why... the heart just says."I wanna meet you" Just to chat etc...
tho i study so much in to psychology. I guess my own psychology is the toughest to understand. Its way weird compared to everyyone else.
Take eg.. if i know someting is wrong. I am able to entirely ensure i dont do it. I am able to totally shut it out. I might do wrong to everyone else on earth.. but when it comes to you, everything right is done. I dont bluff, lie or hurt you. and when you're hurt... ii feel like some knife across my heart. Too sentimental? I dont know... and then now... sigh.. too much on my mind. i cant sleep. later have test... I want to do well.. i will do well.. but i want to know how after that...
Sometimes i am afraid to let you just go off with friends.. of course i know how to evaluate if tehre is a certain amt of risk.. Friday is not a big risk.. but sat is.. yes i allow both.. why?? I want you to know despite the risk, i trust you.. believe me... its totally not easy for me to let you go off like that... its very very very hard... yet i trust, yet i believe.
I dont know how else to express myself.. i just type everything out here. If tehre is one thing i can show you, i really want you to see how much love i have for you.. then, understand why and reciprocate.
A good future awaits..
Friday, April 16, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I love you. I need confidence
i trust you.. i really do. i want to share with you something.. something in me.. i have a phobia.. it is so bad i deemed to have ended the life of the old me and start a new.
I am just so afraid of seeing another betrayal case. Another selfish case. another case where someone is innocently falling in to a trap that leads to eternal death. If one knows he would fall, would he still want to fall? No.. and exactly.. there have been many smart people who knew they didnt want to fall, but ended up falling because they did not put in priority the right things in mind.
suppose you know a lion eats humans. Would you still want to linger around inside a lion's den?
That exactly is the same issue everyone faces. written in the bible too..
There has always been one thing i want to share with you. cus i think its significant to me.. and i will share it with you today.. I want to share... how my name came about.
2 secrets i have. 1) why i changed my name 2) why the name was chosen/thought of.
These 2, i wish to tell to you. and in this way everything of me is completely in you. Nothing of me is untold to you..
I need confidence. I really do..7-8 years.. that amount of phobia and hurt.. that is why. now all i want is to concentrate on us.
**just some memories for the future**
your pic in my wallet. why is it there? what significance does it play? (: I open it everytime i need money or cash etc. I dont care who sees it or waht they think.. cus whats more important is the joy i get in my heart just seeing you and being with you.
The work of God is so complete. Sometimes too complete. Sometimes too much for us to bear. But i hope we'd hold on each other and keep moving on.
I still remember fondly how 2 weeks back you told me right in my eyes, "i love you". and just a few days back, easter sunday, you held my hand and moved your finger over my skin, loving me.. at least i felt loved.
I may sound really lovey dovey.. but thats what i have learnt from Christ. The greatest of all is love.
It is something we can never buy. and i know unless we both put in our logic and understanding, we will not find this kind of love anywhere else on earth.
I wont be deceived.. you too... please dont. (:
I am just so afraid of seeing another betrayal case. Another selfish case. another case where someone is innocently falling in to a trap that leads to eternal death. If one knows he would fall, would he still want to fall? No.. and exactly.. there have been many smart people who knew they didnt want to fall, but ended up falling because they did not put in priority the right things in mind.
suppose you know a lion eats humans. Would you still want to linger around inside a lion's den?
That exactly is the same issue everyone faces. written in the bible too..
There has always been one thing i want to share with you. cus i think its significant to me.. and i will share it with you today.. I want to share... how my name came about.
2 secrets i have. 1) why i changed my name 2) why the name was chosen/thought of.
These 2, i wish to tell to you. and in this way everything of me is completely in you. Nothing of me is untold to you..
I need confidence. I really do..7-8 years.. that amount of phobia and hurt.. that is why. now all i want is to concentrate on us.
**just some memories for the future**
your pic in my wallet. why is it there? what significance does it play? (: I open it everytime i need money or cash etc. I dont care who sees it or waht they think.. cus whats more important is the joy i get in my heart just seeing you and being with you.
The work of God is so complete. Sometimes too complete. Sometimes too much for us to bear. But i hope we'd hold on each other and keep moving on.
I still remember fondly how 2 weeks back you told me right in my eyes, "i love you". and just a few days back, easter sunday, you held my hand and moved your finger over my skin, loving me.. at least i felt loved.
I may sound really lovey dovey.. but thats what i have learnt from Christ. The greatest of all is love.
It is something we can never buy. and i know unless we both put in our logic and understanding, we will not find this kind of love anywhere else on earth.
I wont be deceived.. you too... please dont. (:
I am figuring that facebook wall deletes old post. So i figure i'll put some of the meaningful or historically meaningful post here for viewing in future.
i thought all was fine until a phrase removed all certainty from me. its probably time to rest
March 22 at 7:00pm
it is never anything i do that matters
i thought all was fine until a phrase removed all certainty from me. its probably time to rest
March 22 at 7:00pm
it is never anything i do that matters
March 22 at 7:37pm
making a complex decision. (:March 27 at 6:13pm ·
master 75% hero 57% whoooooooooooooo.... (:
We dont decide based on life now. We consider the future.. we decide based on questions such as: who'd be there if i lose my limbs? who'd be there if i am stuck to a machine? who'd be there when everyone else disagrees with me? who will always be there whether fun or sad times? In 2 years time, when my muscles and ...bones start feeling weak, who will be there for me (: and then we make the right decision (:
See Moreafter watching ninja videos like Naruto, i learn to run with my arms diagonally to my sides during sports day.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
the second person you meet in heaven
I continued in the mist but soon felt bored and tired. I thought, there is nothing to sit on. I shall sit on the ground.
It must have been hours past. i was awoken by a questioning voice. I strained my ears and heard 'haiz haiz haiz.' the voice continued like from a person crazy in deep thought.
I sat up and looked around me. All mist... I should try to see who this voice belongs to.
haiz haiz haiz... the voice continued.
Hey kenneth! i calleed out, seeing kenneth standing and facing to i dont knnow where.. just facing front.
Kenneth what are you thinking about? I asked..
No reply came except the sighing sound.. haiz haiz haiz. I should have listened. I should have listened. food. party. death. haiz haiz haiz.. this was all he said.
after some time, i turned and left..heading out to no where. just walking on to see what will happen next.
It must have been hours past. i was awoken by a questioning voice. I strained my ears and heard 'haiz haiz haiz.' the voice continued like from a person crazy in deep thought.
I sat up and looked around me. All mist... I should try to see who this voice belongs to.
haiz haiz haiz... the voice continued.
Hey kenneth! i calleed out, seeing kenneth standing and facing to i dont knnow where.. just facing front.
Kenneth what are you thinking about? I asked..
No reply came except the sighing sound.. haiz haiz haiz. I should have listened. I should have listened. food. party. death. haiz haiz haiz.. this was all he said.
after some time, i turned and left..heading out to no where. just walking on to see what will happen next.
could this be the first person you meet in heaven?
'Hey Malcolm how has life been for you?' I asked while sitting on a rock. Malcolm sat on the grass just glancing down. 'Since the last time we met, i have done things i dare not speak about.
'Hmm.. dare i ask what they are?' I asked with a mind full of wonder.
'the form of sin that leads to the heaviest penalty of sin.' malcolm said, now moving his hands across the surface of the grass.
Then he told me his life story. when i was young, i thought life was all about myself. I thought as long as i had a life of fun and had someone to love, life would be good. remember Sgt Lionel? The one i told you about while he played at the street soccer court. He was one i looked up to. But as i grew i realised he was concerned only over his own interest. Then i met Shin Wei and i tot i met a trustable person. Similarly.. he was all about tennis. all about playing and having fun with himself. I just couldnt trust that many people i told myself. but stupidly i went on trusting people.
when i was in poly, i tot i could start life a new. New friends. in a mixed gender society. I placed my guard down. I thought it would be fun. but life turned out worst than i could imagine. Then, you spoke to me online. I know. I just felt too bored with life to answer you... Malcolm then paused...he then started crying.
Now, years in to where i am, i regret who i am. My life is such a fail. I cannot even say i am a christian. I cannot even claim to be anyone who loves God. Till death, i thought i could wait to the last minute before setting my life right. but sigh.....
it happened all too fast. I tried to grasp my life line. Before i could do anything, it was gone. I took my last breathe and all history of my life flashed before me. So vivid.. and now i am here everyday waiting for death.
Jesus warned the nations. but we rarely take heed. Now i am doomed. what should i do. what should i do?
As Malcolm continued crying, i knew i could do no more. I pat him on the back and felt the urge to move on. A spirit called out to me and i went towards it. The sobs of Malcolm diminished in to the distance. I heard him no more.
'Hmm.. dare i ask what they are?' I asked with a mind full of wonder.
'the form of sin that leads to the heaviest penalty of sin.' malcolm said, now moving his hands across the surface of the grass.
Then he told me his life story. when i was young, i thought life was all about myself. I thought as long as i had a life of fun and had someone to love, life would be good. remember Sgt Lionel? The one i told you about while he played at the street soccer court. He was one i looked up to. But as i grew i realised he was concerned only over his own interest. Then i met Shin Wei and i tot i met a trustable person. Similarly.. he was all about tennis. all about playing and having fun with himself. I just couldnt trust that many people i told myself. but stupidly i went on trusting people.
when i was in poly, i tot i could start life a new. New friends. in a mixed gender society. I placed my guard down. I thought it would be fun. but life turned out worst than i could imagine. Then, you spoke to me online. I know. I just felt too bored with life to answer you... Malcolm then paused...he then started crying.
Now, years in to where i am, i regret who i am. My life is such a fail. I cannot even say i am a christian. I cannot even claim to be anyone who loves God. Till death, i thought i could wait to the last minute before setting my life right. but sigh.....
it happened all too fast. I tried to grasp my life line. Before i could do anything, it was gone. I took my last breathe and all history of my life flashed before me. So vivid.. and now i am here everyday waiting for death.
Jesus warned the nations. but we rarely take heed. Now i am doomed. what should i do. what should i do?
As Malcolm continued crying, i knew i could do no more. I pat him on the back and felt the urge to move on. A spirit called out to me and i went towards it. The sobs of Malcolm diminished in to the distance. I heard him no more.
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